Love

Not too long ago I was reading a few things on Polyamory, it's a subject I've always been interested in despite not being one myself. Personally I don't believe in the whole "One True Love" idea simply because I believe there are "Many True Loves" possible for every single person. This planet consists of close to a trillion people, if you want that written out to add more weight, that's 1,000,000,000 Humans currently alive on our planet, maybe I exaggerated, I'm not here to do research. The point however is the same, that with that many people the logical assumption is that there are LOTS of potential mates for everybody. Now you may consider your partner your soulmate, which is fine, but believing that they are the only person you could love or whom could love you is just naive.

So since I am interested in polyamory at very least academically, and have no Christopher Lamberts telling me "There can be only one" then why am I not a polygamist? I believe that love takes many forms, and they are all based around an emotional need, the way you love your sister, mother, grandparent, child, lover, best friend, pet, etc. are ALL different, but each satisfy an emotional need. Often in psychology where an emotional need is deficient in a person, they tend to overcompensate and project those desires on what could be viewed "non-traditional" partners. For instance if a child loses their mother, they may later desire a partner who is nurturing and a caregiver to fulfill an emotional deficiency. It's even possible to love multiple people sexually but still have the love be inherently different, as I already mentioned, one deficiency can lead to overcompensation. Unlike some psychologists though I would not view these as abnormalities, but simply eccentricities that further individualize a person. This brings me about to my view on "True Love" which I define as "complete emotional fulfillment", when someone fulfills all the emotional needs you want in a partner then it is true love. So while I find myself having no issues with polyamory and in different circumstances might even be a polygamist, the bottom line is simply that I am in such a relationship where all my emotional needs are met by a single partner and I have no need for others.

Many people in the world however often have a much more difficult time at love, I consider myself rather lucky. Though I think one of the things that tends to make it easy for me is that I approach love logically and understand the reality of it. Yes if you analyze Love scientifically you find it's all a mass of complex emotions, mental states, hormones, chemical imbalances, and whatnot, but I think for most people they're afraid that if you analyze Love critically it loses something. Despite being a logical mind that understands to some degree what love actually is, I am still an incurable romantic who loves physically, emotionally, figuratively, and metaphorically. Just because you acknowledge something is attributed to a mass of chemicals being fired from your crotch to your brain, doesn't mean it cannot be romanticized. Your mind is your reality, so whatever you deem real to you is real. No matter what love actually is, billions of people in the world can easily and without hesitation attest to the fact that it is a real thing, as tangible as any other thing you can sense with your five senses, and to many even more so than that which can be seen.

Polyamorous families often mention the biggest hurdle in the relationship is of course jealousy, and it's generally agreed one of the best ways to resolve it is to see what the person adds to a relationship instead of looking at it comparatively as in "What does she do that I don't?" Some polygamists even state that it's unhealthy to view your partner as a possession, we try too hard to make our significant others a high value commodity, which has the unfortunate implication of undue emotional stress for both parties when taxed too extremely.

So is jealousy a bad thing? Yes and no I think. I constantly see or hear about couples fighting over assumed intent for infidelity. I'm sure everyone who reads this can say they've seen or heard the same, from couples arguing over where they were at "x hour" to badgering someone over who their new facebook friend of the opposite sex is. Personally I don't consider this jealousy, I consider it a lack of trust. Jealousy is clearly defined as wanting what someone else has. So by this definition I say that everyone should strive to have a jealous love, as in always admire the couple whose love you wish to emulate, look at your idols who've been together for 30+ years and still are madly in love, and use that inspiration and jealousy to drive you to better yourself and your own relationship.

Ever since I was 16 I've been giving people relationship advice, which is rather laughable since with the exception of several "online only" girlfriends, I've only ever been in (and still am in) one long term relationship. Though I don't judge a person's knowledge on a subject solely on experience, observation is a major key, and is one of the founding principles of psychology. I don't have to experience someone else's psyche to understand why they do the things they do the way they do them, all I have to do is observe and analyze. It's easy to avoid stupid mistakes by just looking at others who have done the same.

Here's my own little bit of advice on how to have the best love possible:

Before you even consider loving someone else you need to make sure you are emotionally ready for love. It's understandable to look for a partner to "complete you", but often times this can be confused with actually using someone else as a crutch. You should learn to love yourself before wanting someone else to love you. If you cannot be satisfied with who you are, then it creates a vacuum and all the love someone else gives you won't fill it.

Absolute communication. There is no subject off limits for lovers, there is nothing out of bounds, there is not a "no talk zone". If you discuss everything from your tiniest sexual nuances to your deepest fears, to your smallest desires, to your biggest dreams then you will be able to find and discover an intense deep connection that transcends petty concerns that plague other relationships. I can tell you as a mid-20-something male I play violent and adult video games, watch low brow humor movies, own a rather impressive porn collection, ogle other women, and have a variety of rather shocking (to some people anyway) sexual fantasies, and my girlfriend knows about every single one of these things, and not only is accepting but encouraging. Having the relationship you want isn't just about finding the right connection with the right person, it's about communication.

Total Honesty. Just as important as communication you have to open and honest with your partner. Share in everything, and regret nothing. If you always discuss your finances with your partner, make every monetary transaction a team discussion, and be completely open with what's in your wallet and where the money goes, then you never have money fights. If you always tell your partner about all your friends and discuss where you go, and what you do, then you never have the green eyed monster back at home wondering what you've been out doing.

I was a virgin when I met my girlfriend, she has been my first, and only. In some ways I wonder what it'd be like to be with other women, I am curious if it's different or exciting. Yet in all ways I will never regret my girlfriend being my first, or being with her now, or staying with her for life. This is something I've shared with her before, and the answer wasn't "go sleep with other women", it was instead to develop a strong intense relationship that fulfills all emotional needs, to where I won't want anyone else. Thoughts of infidelity are not bad, they are simply manifestations of an emotional need, instead of letting these fester though and have thoughts become actions, you can be open and honest with your partner and discuss how you wish to evolve your relationship together, for some couples having a polyamorous relationship is preferable, for others like my own, they instead develop an intense bond on multiple levels that fulfills all those needs, every person is different, and communication and compromise can lead to great results. Down one road you have betrayal and hurt, and down the other you have a long and happy and prosperous relationship.

You may have noticed during this whole post so far I've not mentioned marriage once. In the final assessment of things, if you have the relationship you want, you won't care what it's called, marriage shouldn't be a life altering event, or an upgrade in the relationship, or a change waiting to happen, it should simply be a celebration of your love, and a way to acknowledge to those important to you of who you plan on being with. A truly in love couple will need no vows to bind their love, it will always be there even if unspoken.

Til' Death Do Us Part!

Celeb-eauty

So I actually had someone at work the other day mention Katie Holmes and said she was hot and whatnot, to which I just gave a neutral shrug of the shoulder. He then asked me what celebrities I think are hot. I had to stop and think for a minute... then the minutes turned to hours, the hours to days, and still there's not much of an answer.

The truth is simply not so simple as spouting off names, because I don't identify with "celebrities" and their "beauty", I identify with roles. I can admire an actor/actress for their acting prowess, but I could care less who they are dating. One of my most favorite quotes goes like: "Simple minds discuss people, Average minds discuss events, Great minds discuss ideas" and as you will discover that's kind of the whole point of this blog. So when you ask me who in Hollywood I think is hot? Well let me drop some names:


Barbora Kodetova: Who the hell is that? is everyone's question, but she always comes to mind first. There was a Sci-Fi channel mini-series based off Frank Herbert's Dune (which is 1,000% better than the crappy 1980s version) and she played the primary love interest, Chani. She did an amazing job of portraying the strong willed hauntingly beautiful consort of Paul in the film, and perfectly illustrated the type of woman I am attracted to. The fact that in the full cut version of the film she has a topless scene and an awesome rack doesn't hurt either. So who is she? Just a Czech actor who has no other very significant roles beyond this, yet she's number one on my list because of that perfect role.

Nadiuska: A spanish actress who managed to catch my eye without uttering a word. In the 1982 film "Conan the Barbarian", she played the stalwart mother of young Conan whose penetrating eyes stare down the threat to her family. Like Ursula from the Little Mermaid said, don't underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE! While her scene is probably not even a minute in length, and ends in tragedy, she was the most perfectly cast actress for the role who exhumed a strong maternal protective instinct, which once again, gets me going good.

Leelee Sobieski: Despite the exotic name like the above two examples, this girl is all American. Now it's possible you may have seen this girl, you may even know her name, but she's certainly not up there with the likes of women like Katie Holmes of Angelina Jolie when it comes to name recognition. While I later learned she was in movies I had seen before like Deep Impact and Jungle 2 Jungle, I really fell for her when she played Deianeira in the TV Miniseries "Hercules". Despite the classical reference to wood nymphs and their fabled identity as objects of desire for horny goat men, I really liked this character for how she interacted with others. Everyone knows Hercules as the legendary man of God-like strength but this series grounded him as more real by showing that even the strongest people sometimes need a nurturing hand. I loved the whole way it played out as he discovered that even if he's not accepted in society due to his heritage, he still has a home, and a family, and love. That touches me on a deeply emotional level and thus made me immensely attracted to this woman.

So now you have a sampling of my tastes, I won't try to argue the beauty of hollywood starlets, everyone has their own type of physical beauty, but I hate how people get hung up on names. I never found myself have the same kind of intense crush on these big name actresses just because I always identify them as "that actress", instead of "that character". The mark of a good actor is when you don't even realize they are acting. Too often it's too obvious that despite the make up, costumes, or hammy accents, that some people are the same in every movie they are in (I'm looking at YOU Helena Bonham Carter).

I also get very much discouraged by the whole "hollywood body image" thing. In a world where there's only three dress sizes, and Angelina Jolie is considered "Busty", I find myself shaking my head in bewilderment. As a personal fan of the more rubenesque ladies whose figure generally doesn't come in hourglass shape, I often wish we could see more varied body types amongst actors and actresses in situations other than where the script calls for "comically fat lady", etc. to be used. Think about it, would you ever see a superheroine played by a girl with an E Cup and junk in the trunk? Nah, of course not despite the fact that most comic book movie adaptations have a serious breast reduction when going from inked version to actress.

While we're still fixated on the boobs, let's talk about that a moment shall we. What do you consider big? Some people literally consider C Cups to be busty, perhaps it's all the porn talking or just the fact that I like women to look like women, curves and all, that I am often dismayed by the lack of anything above a D Cup in Hollywood (and I use that term lightly as what Hollywood describes as a D Cup looks a bit smaller to me). Even in sex comedies that have scantily clad if not nude women solely for male fan service, we get fed the same cookie cutter barbie body. Oh well, this is what we have the British for, now if only we could get them some watchable programming.

I may be alone in the world when it comes to not caring about who's hot in the celebrity stardom, maybe I've just become desensitized to it. I can admire many different body types, from small framed, to amazonian statures, it all comes down to demeanor with me though, I read more in how a person presents themselves rather than what their appearance is. Granted I have the good fortune to be with a very lovely BBW, I would still be with her even if she was not. I like eye-candy and sexy women as much as any 20-something guy should, but I guess somewhere down the road I became disillusioned with the whole Starlet thing, and most of the "Big name" Hollywood actresses I DO find attractive are now old enough to be my mother or grandmother... Bo Derek, Raquel Welch, Julie Andrews.... ahhh...

and in case I don't see ya, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Good Night!

Religion

To kick off this collaborative collection of controversial concerns, let me address my own personal viewpoints on religion.

I am an atheist, though I dislike identifying myself as one simply due to how I perceive that many people attempt to pigeonhole the word "atheist" as a derogatory term when used by anyone who isn't. I am an extremely tolerant person, and in general I have no issues with the belief or worship of any omnipotent or metaphysical source or deity. Though as is the same with any organization, I always take issue with religion when they attempt to intrude upon basic individual rights (which most of the major religions do I fear).

One of my biggest pet peeves in regards to atheism is simply people thinking that I "know" there is a divine power, but simply choose not to acknowledge it, I am not in a school of "denial", but rather one of simply not believing. The truth of my "faith" however is a little more complex. I fully believe in the capacity and capability of there being a powerful source in the universe, something that of which has capabilities possibly unfathomable by humans (though I'm not generally one to cut humans short on the degree to which they can fathom). Instead my atheism takes on a form of simply not prescribing to the belief that there is some higher power from which I was specifically created for a purpose, of whom I owe some allegiance to, and which has prescribed rules by which to live by, this seems to be a wholly human concept to me, and I find little logic in believing that something omnipotent has need for such rigid human structures.

As for how I perceive others beliefs, I do not look upon them with scorn or derision. I don't laugh and point or attempt to "lead the misguided sheep away from the flock". I believe each person should make the decisions for their own life and nobody else should do that for them. I would not want a missionary attempting to bring me about to their religion, and I see no difference from an atheist attempting to convert a religious follower to a non-believer.

Granted I can talk about my own reasons for why I am an atheist and what I believe all day, but only to those genuinely curious to know, I get just as angry at the "Ranting Atheist Big Mouths" who attempt to take pot shots at religion from atop their clock towers just as much as I do towards religious extremists who believe the world's only option is their personal brand of conformity.

I will also admit freely to having a biased view of different religions, and tend to be less trusting or accepting of monotheistic religions than of polytheistic religions, and likewise less so of them than ritualistic religions (such as various forms of paganism). I just tend to find that when you look at the problems caused by religion, the more heinous ones tend to be attributed to branches like Islam, Judaism, and Christianity (Which I believe are all simply widely separated branches of the same origin religion told from different viewpoints), then to a lesser extend the polytheistic religions.

All in all when it comes to worship or rules for living, I prefer instead to admire and cherish the beauty of the Earth and the universe, which I believe to be a product of itself for itself, and not of any specific grand design, which I know many could argue with me til they are blue in the face, but this isn't presented as an invitation for argument, it is simply an introspective on what I choose to believe. As for living, I think that the most precious thing humans have is their own individual rights. I live by a simple creed that was passed down from my father: "One man's rights end where another begins." I don't need religion to tell me how to live my life whole and complete, and I respect everyone's right to believe in what they wish.

Remember, I'm pulling for ya, we're all in this together!