Love

Not too long ago I was reading a few things on Polyamory, it's a subject I've always been interested in despite not being one myself. Personally I don't believe in the whole "One True Love" idea simply because I believe there are "Many True Loves" possible for every single person. This planet consists of close to a trillion people, if you want that written out to add more weight, that's 1,000,000,000 Humans currently alive on our planet, maybe I exaggerated, I'm not here to do research. The point however is the same, that with that many people the logical assumption is that there are LOTS of potential mates for everybody. Now you may consider your partner your soulmate, which is fine, but believing that they are the only person you could love or whom could love you is just naive.

So since I am interested in polyamory at very least academically, and have no Christopher Lamberts telling me "There can be only one" then why am I not a polygamist? I believe that love takes many forms, and they are all based around an emotional need, the way you love your sister, mother, grandparent, child, lover, best friend, pet, etc. are ALL different, but each satisfy an emotional need. Often in psychology where an emotional need is deficient in a person, they tend to overcompensate and project those desires on what could be viewed "non-traditional" partners. For instance if a child loses their mother, they may later desire a partner who is nurturing and a caregiver to fulfill an emotional deficiency. It's even possible to love multiple people sexually but still have the love be inherently different, as I already mentioned, one deficiency can lead to overcompensation. Unlike some psychologists though I would not view these as abnormalities, but simply eccentricities that further individualize a person. This brings me about to my view on "True Love" which I define as "complete emotional fulfillment", when someone fulfills all the emotional needs you want in a partner then it is true love. So while I find myself having no issues with polyamory and in different circumstances might even be a polygamist, the bottom line is simply that I am in such a relationship where all my emotional needs are met by a single partner and I have no need for others.

Many people in the world however often have a much more difficult time at love, I consider myself rather lucky. Though I think one of the things that tends to make it easy for me is that I approach love logically and understand the reality of it. Yes if you analyze Love scientifically you find it's all a mass of complex emotions, mental states, hormones, chemical imbalances, and whatnot, but I think for most people they're afraid that if you analyze Love critically it loses something. Despite being a logical mind that understands to some degree what love actually is, I am still an incurable romantic who loves physically, emotionally, figuratively, and metaphorically. Just because you acknowledge something is attributed to a mass of chemicals being fired from your crotch to your brain, doesn't mean it cannot be romanticized. Your mind is your reality, so whatever you deem real to you is real. No matter what love actually is, billions of people in the world can easily and without hesitation attest to the fact that it is a real thing, as tangible as any other thing you can sense with your five senses, and to many even more so than that which can be seen.

Polyamorous families often mention the biggest hurdle in the relationship is of course jealousy, and it's generally agreed one of the best ways to resolve it is to see what the person adds to a relationship instead of looking at it comparatively as in "What does she do that I don't?" Some polygamists even state that it's unhealthy to view your partner as a possession, we try too hard to make our significant others a high value commodity, which has the unfortunate implication of undue emotional stress for both parties when taxed too extremely.

So is jealousy a bad thing? Yes and no I think. I constantly see or hear about couples fighting over assumed intent for infidelity. I'm sure everyone who reads this can say they've seen or heard the same, from couples arguing over where they were at "x hour" to badgering someone over who their new facebook friend of the opposite sex is. Personally I don't consider this jealousy, I consider it a lack of trust. Jealousy is clearly defined as wanting what someone else has. So by this definition I say that everyone should strive to have a jealous love, as in always admire the couple whose love you wish to emulate, look at your idols who've been together for 30+ years and still are madly in love, and use that inspiration and jealousy to drive you to better yourself and your own relationship.

Ever since I was 16 I've been giving people relationship advice, which is rather laughable since with the exception of several "online only" girlfriends, I've only ever been in (and still am in) one long term relationship. Though I don't judge a person's knowledge on a subject solely on experience, observation is a major key, and is one of the founding principles of psychology. I don't have to experience someone else's psyche to understand why they do the things they do the way they do them, all I have to do is observe and analyze. It's easy to avoid stupid mistakes by just looking at others who have done the same.

Here's my own little bit of advice on how to have the best love possible:

Before you even consider loving someone else you need to make sure you are emotionally ready for love. It's understandable to look for a partner to "complete you", but often times this can be confused with actually using someone else as a crutch. You should learn to love yourself before wanting someone else to love you. If you cannot be satisfied with who you are, then it creates a vacuum and all the love someone else gives you won't fill it.

Absolute communication. There is no subject off limits for lovers, there is nothing out of bounds, there is not a "no talk zone". If you discuss everything from your tiniest sexual nuances to your deepest fears, to your smallest desires, to your biggest dreams then you will be able to find and discover an intense deep connection that transcends petty concerns that plague other relationships. I can tell you as a mid-20-something male I play violent and adult video games, watch low brow humor movies, own a rather impressive porn collection, ogle other women, and have a variety of rather shocking (to some people anyway) sexual fantasies, and my girlfriend knows about every single one of these things, and not only is accepting but encouraging. Having the relationship you want isn't just about finding the right connection with the right person, it's about communication.

Total Honesty. Just as important as communication you have to open and honest with your partner. Share in everything, and regret nothing. If you always discuss your finances with your partner, make every monetary transaction a team discussion, and be completely open with what's in your wallet and where the money goes, then you never have money fights. If you always tell your partner about all your friends and discuss where you go, and what you do, then you never have the green eyed monster back at home wondering what you've been out doing.

I was a virgin when I met my girlfriend, she has been my first, and only. In some ways I wonder what it'd be like to be with other women, I am curious if it's different or exciting. Yet in all ways I will never regret my girlfriend being my first, or being with her now, or staying with her for life. This is something I've shared with her before, and the answer wasn't "go sleep with other women", it was instead to develop a strong intense relationship that fulfills all emotional needs, to where I won't want anyone else. Thoughts of infidelity are not bad, they are simply manifestations of an emotional need, instead of letting these fester though and have thoughts become actions, you can be open and honest with your partner and discuss how you wish to evolve your relationship together, for some couples having a polyamorous relationship is preferable, for others like my own, they instead develop an intense bond on multiple levels that fulfills all those needs, every person is different, and communication and compromise can lead to great results. Down one road you have betrayal and hurt, and down the other you have a long and happy and prosperous relationship.

You may have noticed during this whole post so far I've not mentioned marriage once. In the final assessment of things, if you have the relationship you want, you won't care what it's called, marriage shouldn't be a life altering event, or an upgrade in the relationship, or a change waiting to happen, it should simply be a celebration of your love, and a way to acknowledge to those important to you of who you plan on being with. A truly in love couple will need no vows to bind their love, it will always be there even if unspoken.

Til' Death Do Us Part!